Mrshappiness’s Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Just a little white lie November 14, 2008

Filed under: Life — mrshappiness @ 7:13 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

The dictionary defines a white lie as: A minor, polite, or harmless lie. An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth. An unimportant lie (especially one told to be tactful or polite). And my favorite definition of all: An untruth told to spare feelings or from politeness.

No matter how it is said or what the definition, a white lie is simply what it says, it is a lie. What is it that throws us into that dark hole of denial that makes us believe to lie is better than enduring ones pain of hearing the truth? Is it really the pain of others that keeps us from the truth or is it our own discomfort?  Is it the thought of watching loved ones suffer, squirm, or anger due to something we have said? No matter the reason, truth be told a lie is a lie.

For many weeks now I have been telling a white lie.  Each time I did, it was minor, and well-intentioned; yet each time I did, it did not feel harmless or polite. Most would argue that my reasoning was good. That my well-intentioned, untruth, was necessary. But today something happened, something that left me feeling empty and disturbed.  Today in the midst of a trivial conversation, as these foreign words poured out of my mouth, each one filled with lies and untruths, each word to protect, to shield and to prevent harm. I realized how important my words truly were.

 For years I have taught my children about truth, honesty and facing consequences no matter the outcome. I have preached day in and day out about out how the very act of lying can break down trust. How what we say and what we do defines who we are as individuals, and that being true to ourselves and others is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves.

There is an ironic twist to my confession, the part of the story that cuts deep into my heart and makes my stomach ache and churn. The stories that I shared, the lies that I told, those simple and trivial tales that I spun in my web and tangled myself in. Each one with words carefully chosen, all in the name of love,  were told to my daughter. Yes this child that I have taught, preached and lectured to about the telling of truths, about it defining us as individuals, and being a sign of respect. All of my years of preaching and teaching I washed away with just a few words. 

I really think I should explain. Not that there is any explanation that justifies, or excuses a  lie, but in an attempt to save face, I will share with you just the same.

Eight years ago my husband and I adopted three children. There were two girls and a boy. They were  4months, 5 years and 8 years old and they were ours!

 The day they all came home was the beginning of a life I could never predict. It has taken many turns, traveled hills and valleys and survived many floods, but overall, we have made it. However along the way  there were casualties, our eldest became lost. Due to issues too horrible to discuss and too private to mention, she came to us with a broken heart, a wounded spirit and a hopeless soul. Her pain overwhelmed us and her. As she struggled to make sense of it in her young teenage mind, eventually her acts of self destruct and her outbursts of anger forced us to do the unthinkable. On March 30, 2006 she was placed in a lock down facility for minors.

I can not put into words what this does to a parent. Some day I will try for I think it is a story worthy of being told. But today I will hold those memories deep in my heart, waiting to see how it all will end. Which is where my white lie has begun. She is coming home! Yes, that’s right 2 years and 8 months and finally she will be coming home. Whether this is a good thing or not, we do not know. It feels right and that is all that matters. She needs a family and to be loved and we will take it from there. So where is the lie you ask? Well, she does not know. We have worked so long to try and get her to follow through at her school. (She is in no position to graduate or follow their program, she is really not capable). Her deepest desire is to be home. It is all she asks and all she hopes for.

Several times we have almost “made it”. Gotten to a point where she was stable enough to start planning her return home. Each and every time, her mind got the best of her and she would sabotage herself, leaving a young girl and her family devastated and a mother and father picking up the pieces.

Maybe this mother was too tired. Too tired to face the truth due to the aftermath that might come once it is told. Too sad for her daughter, knowing how much she needs her family and afraid in one quick second, she would throw it all away.

Today I have decided to tell my daughter. I can no longer talk with her about the future as if she were not “in” it. Today I will risk trusting her with the truth, knowing whatever that truth brings, is what life had intended. I am excited of the possibilities and afraid just the same but I am confident in my decision. For the truth no matter the risk, is, as it is defined; good, reality, actuality and a sign of integrity

Advertisements
 

6 Responses to “Just a little white lie”

  1. RE: Just a little white lie!

    MrsHappiness,

    Thank you so very much for including your post on “little white lies” and for your candid and open honesty about such intimate details of your life. Your writing is very well done and I was extremely impressed with your integrity and openess.

    Lies are destructive at all times, regardless of size. They are not only dangerous in personal relationships but in professional relationships as well. Being a Leadership and Plans of Action Strategist, I work hard to impart the very message you shared in this post with leaders and managers at companies. Thank you for your candid post!

    From one loving mom to another, blessings and energy for all that is to come.

    You can find enjoy some leadership tips at:
    http://strategicsenseinc.wordpress.com

  2. mrshappiness Says:

    Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I was thrilled to visit your site. As a retail manager, for years I have worked with other managers instilling the same rules and guidelines that I do with my children. It is something so simple yet seems so far out of reach, ” Do Unto Others”….

    You are providing an invaluable service. It is a business for years I have wanted to persue. Making good managers great!!!
    Continued success.

    mrshappiness

  3. Thank you so much for your comments and good wishes.

  4. Stacy Says:

    Mrs. Happiness,

    I am so glad that she is going to be able to come home. I know how much it hurt your hubby to have to have her away for awhile. I am sure that it will be trying at times, but you will all work through it and be better for it. My prayers are with all of you.

  5. mrshappiness Says:

    Stacy, You are right, he has missed having her home. It has been such a sad time for all of us without her. We are optimistic about what the future brings and really appreciate all of the warm thoughts and prayers.

  6. That is great news, and I am sure the white lie was tough. I am excited still, knowing this has been a tough journey. I do feel the need to introduce myself, as I have been a MalthionMan fan for a while now, all the way back to MSN. As I have told him before, my parents were fostered kids and while there were some hard issues to deal with, it think it was worth it as a foster sibling. Glad to meet you!
    Nora


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s